Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
