Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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