It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
