I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
