Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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