your thong is hanging out like whoa
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
