so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
