saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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