Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
