planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
