Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Sober January is a disaster.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize