I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
