Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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