1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
