i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
