she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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