Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
