pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the day after is always just damage control
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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