You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
