life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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