Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
