I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
