Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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