i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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