I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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