Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
