I wannas sexs uuuuu
Jerry, you need to find god
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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