I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
