Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
