you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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