Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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