at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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