so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
