it wasn't lemon gatorade
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
