You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize