did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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