I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
