Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you never un-have a 4some
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
