i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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