Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
