I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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