I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
