all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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