i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
