I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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