last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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