You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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