That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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