found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
