i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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