He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
