Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
