I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
