i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
