My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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