Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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