When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
