Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
