Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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