I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just invented taco cereal.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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