Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize