the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
