i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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