I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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