there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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