ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
